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Monday, November 5th, 2007
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After a Two year subbatical.
As to whether this will be a one time emergence from my dormant state or the beginning of a new relationship, only time will tell.
I find myself without character, loss of pen and paper in the thick of growing old. An apartment full of moments a world apart from those who filled it. I've been here before, I had all the answers without questions, now I have no answers at all. I've been mislead, I've been misleading down streets, on to bus, into vans, through tin cans in the sky. My organs wage war fi
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Sunday, November 20th, 2005
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I think it's true that some people can only love once.
I haven't really loved at all.
the circles are just a beginning with a short cut to the end.
soon it will be the end
you've loved your once now you're just looking for something to bide the time
wasting. thats all we are doing to one another.
maybe it's silly and stupid but it's the little things you do for the ones you care about.
I don't get any little things.
I don't get anything.
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Sunday, October 23rd, 2005
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Life moves in circles.
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Wednesday, June 29th, 2005
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wow it has been over a month since I have updated this thing or even really looked at it for that matter. I am back in NY now I have been her 2 weeks and 3 days! And well I am already going to go back to Portland because I hate it here and I cant find a job and there's not shit to do. I'm pretty sure I am flying back to Portland July 8th and moving in to the Alaska House for a month til I can find a house to move into with Danielle, Tanya and Kat. Its soo hard to go home to look at the way life used to be, how much has changed, how much I have changed. I don't know how to pack it all up or if I even can. What do I chose to take what do I chose to leave? Because this time it's for good. 3000 miles for good. Adulthood for good. Life for good. Knowing that once I leave I won't be back til Christmas and after that probably not til the next Christmas wow scary. Where did the years go? I remember being a freshmen in high school and watching my brother graduate thinking I had all the time in the world til that was me. I've seen different people I went to high school with it's weird they're strangers to me. maybe because I left school early so I didn't finish with them, maybe because I am different. I don't think people can ever really understand this town until they leave. I don't think they can understand the narrow mindedness, the uptight conservative belt that squeezes this town to death, so many kids never left and I see the ignorance and prejudice in their eyes and it saddens me. Silver spoons iced to their tongues, if they only knew the world outside, diversity. It's scary. On another note to whom may agree or disagree it's not really like your opinion matters because its not your decision! A good friend of mine is having an abortion tomorrow, and it's weird, I just never thought she would get pregnant, neither did she, Always use birth control kids because condoms break. Her boyfriend came to stay with her for the week, it's been odd hanging out with her for the last week, when she found out she was pregnant the first time going to the clinic, watching her cry. Tomorrow is going to be difficult she'll probably be really out of it. I'm driving them. People's lives change so much in one year, I can't get over it. Well its 2 am so I'm going to call it a night. I forgot how much I liked this thing.
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My AMAZING roommate Danielle wrote this for me. "Freshmen Fifteen"
Apon arrival of your new anticipated life, you may email your future companion and invision how much fun you will have while sharing clothe, dating boys, taking pictures, laughing and making life long memories with out knowing about the reality ahead. It’s strange to think that you are categorized by the type of movies you enjoy and the genre of music you listen to and then selected at total random to spend an entire year with out knowing a fucking thing about them.
When you left your home to start your new life, you get a specific vision of what happens when you physically and mentally become an adult. Although this has absolutely no connection to what really takes place when you officially begin the process of ending your life.
As I sit here writing while listening to Clnyville Sound System, I begin to realize that my surroundings have been entirely swapped with someone elses. Infact, my life has been changed from my playlist to permanently on random selection. Random selection…You gradually let go of your life and begin to live in someone elses or in some situations, not living at all. With out realizing it, everyday that passes changes you entirely as a person. This is to be expected when being removed from your warm firmiliar nest and being replaced into an unsolved mystery novel. I omce described my life as the section in the Sunday paper that no on reads, but now I have changed to the “I-Saw-Yous”.
You may think that you know your best friends inside and out but you don’t truly know someone until you see how they operate and every last habit of theirs. Everything that the other half does impacts your everyday life. A wise man once said,”You leave your best friends to see your best friends.” This would be true if the person you were leaving was a friend. There really isn’t a word for it. Overcoming obsessions, eating disorders,huge mistakes, unlimited sereal days and the never ending drip of the sink forces an unbreakable bond that makes you work as a clutch for one another in every situation imaginable.
Feelings of hope mixed with numbness, impatience mixed with sarcasm, white mixed with black and unstability mixed with unstability.
I continually ask why I am where I am, why Al is Al and why I have recently experienced an uncountable amount of ocward, sketchy, and fabulous moments. I guess it’s all the part of life where you take a right rather than a left, a left rather than a right and in some situations not turning at all.
My first year as a an adult, I gained the freshman fifteen, but not in weight by any means. Fifteen experiences for lack of better terms.
Fifteen theme songs.
Fifteen “what did you eat todays”.
Fifteen fortune cookies.
Fifteen cigarettes.
Fifteen last phone calls.
Fifteen addictions.
Fifteen fears.
Fifteen bursts of laughter.
Fifteen diet pills.
Fifteen tears.
Fifteen obsessions.
Fifteen stop signs.
Fifteen green lights.
Fifteen black balloons.
Lastly, fifteen angels sent from God.
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Wednesday, May 11th, 2005
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| Time: | 6:22 am. |
| Music: | random. |
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you don't know how bad I needed that. I needed to hear you, to see you, to see you are alive. It's funny because I just wrote you an email today, after this I think I'll check and see if you wrote back. I figured since I hadn't talked to you in months and shit. I didn't even know if you still went online. wow, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE move here! I am looking at houses RIGHT now, PLEASE MOVE HERE you'd love it, I'd love it, I'd love to be together, the inseperable duo we were! COME COME COME HERE!!!!!! you can play music all the time, anytime you want. We'll do all the things we said we would oh man you just saved my life, my night. Oh man I wish I could call you but I don't even know how to reach you! AHH. Shit. well you still have my number hopefully, so call me if you can at all. and I am leaving for NY in one month, you can come there and live if you want and come back to portland with me in August haha oh man I am getting to ahead of myself! I miss you I miss you I miss you. ok I am checking my email now.
TaNk!
DONT STOP WRITING IN HERE INFACT WRITE MORE OFTEN!
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Sometimes I sit around and wonder WHAT THE FUCK am i doing with myself. Seriously, all i want to do is play and make beautiful music. but its so hard to do that. why can't i just play music all day and not worry about a god damn thing. i'm all alone and i have absolutely nothing. all i want to do is play my violin and piano...is that really so much to ask?! al, i fucking wish i hadnt screwed up, but i have. i lost everything. this'll be the last time i write in this thing i guess, its completely all yours my friend.
fuck
fuck
fuck
maybe ill just show up in portland sometime soon...
just to say hi to an old friend.
ive got nothing holding me back here anymore.
all i wanted was to just make music.
-Michelle Jade-
Peace agapae.
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Saturday, April 30th, 2005
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I LOVE MY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!! and husband.
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[insert cool cool banner/ picture here]
FRIENDS ONLY.
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runningonablank's journal